What You Don’t Know Can Hurt You and Them
By Sandy Morris on Jan 20, 2010 in Baby Boomers
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When my father had a massive stroke, I remember arriving in the emergency room and being asked a dozen questions about his medical history. My mother was out of it, in shock, I guess, and although my father had been taken to the hospital he gone to for almost 40 years, they were still asking the standard questions. What medications is he taking? What are their names, dosages and frequencies? How long has he been taking this medication? What surgeries and illnesses has he had in the past, when and where? What types of medical conditions does he have now that they should be concerned about? And I was speechless, clueless and did not know half the answers.
Like many adult children, I had inquired about my aging parents’ health in vague ways. You know what I mean. Never quite asking the tough questions and not wanting to upset them. Plus like so many parents of adult children, my parents always said, “Oh, we’re fine. Don’t worry about us, honey.” If either of them had a medical procedure or illness, either I or my brother would hear about it after the fact. They didn’t want to worry us. That strategy of keeping us in ignorant bliss didn’t pay off. I know that my parents intended good and there were equal parts of me that thought “Well, they’re my parents so they know best what to tell me and what to do” and “I don’t know what I’d do if they said they were sick anyway and if I did, how would I handle that after all I have a family too, right?”
The truth behind what truly prevented my parents and others out there like them from sharing this information with their children is two-fold. One, they just didn’t want to deal with the fact that they were aging and didn’t want to have to confront their own mortality. Two, they also didn’t want to admit that they might not be able to handle situations on their own as they occurred. Loss of independence is a common fear for people as they get older. Unfortunately, these fears and their desire to not have me worry ended up hurting them and me in the long run. I wonder if I had known more about my father’s condition prior to the stroke whether or not it could have been prevented.
I have come to believe that no matter how old or young you are, no matter if you are single or married, with children or without, perfectly healthy or managing an illness or injury—somebody other than you better know important information about you and where to access it in an emergency. Keeping an up to date copy of the prescriptions you are currently taking with you in your purse is a good way to start.
Now, you’re either on one side of this equation or perhaps you’re even both ends of this situation. Your first task is to fully ensure your own well-being as much as possible. Make the appointment for that full medical exam, write that will, buy the insurance with long-term care options. Sit down with your significant others (don’t just tell one person-what if they are injured at the same time as you?) and let them know where the information is and what your wishes are. You never know when the emergency will happen and when it does, you might not be able to tell anyone anything.
The next thing you should do is check in with your parents and/or your adult children and go through the same stuff. If they don’t want to include you in their plans, make sure that they share this information with someone they trust. Underline that their desire to decrease your concern is really just like burying one’s head in the sand. It’s the not knowing that is truly damaging in the end because you can’t do anything if it’s too late and if you don’t have the right information.
A lot of people put off doing things like this because they think fear the information. The reality is that information is power and keeping yourself ignorant only removes choices and your ability to respond to sometimes life threatening events.
Don’t wait do it now. The life you save may just be your own or someone you loves.
